I’m one of those people who truly enjoys life, I tend to be fairly optimistic and I would classify myself as one of those glass half full types. But alas, like everyone else, there are things that I am just NOT here for. At the moment these are my top five:
Looking Like A Bag of Money
Now those who know me or have read previous post from my blog pretty much know that I have a sickening obsession with the cuddly bear that is Rick Ross. Yes this is despite the fact that he is morbidly obese and he has some of the worst lyrics in the rap game. (Its just something about the big boys that get to me:)) I’m concerned here with just one lyric. “My chick bad lookin like a bag of money”. Obviously I get the vision of the lyric metaphorically but this is my blog and this is about things that I’m not here for so I’m gonna take it literally. Now Mr. Rose, bags of money are quite lumpy and grotesque. I would hope that no one would aim to look like one. I say this but as soon as I leave the confines of my homes whether it be the one on the South Side of Chicago or the one in Harlem, my already horrific eyesight is assaulted by women with rolls, pockets of fats and lumps that I’m sure no human being is suppose to have. I truly don’t get it. I’m not saying that I’m the trimmest chick out there but I sure as hell never hung over my clothing. I’m very lazy myself and I have a deep aversion to the gym but I do try and get a run in twice a week and its NYC so I walk everywhere anyway. But that’s neither here nor there. Ladies, please, your cottage cheese thighs upset me deeply this isn’t a game to see how much or yourself you can stuff into a too small outfit. Please stop and take the time to stop at your local Target (Hell they may even have them at the Beauty Supply), round up a girdle and a few pairs of spanks and let’s not pretend we’re size eights when we’re a size 16. Rick Ross is tricking you he can get away with it because he literally has bags of money and even he wouldn’t be caught dead with the likes of you. Work it out or at least tuck it in and away.
I have finally in the past month admitted to myself that I am allergic to vodka. I pretty much figured this out about a year ago but this did not stop me from partaking in the precious beverage. As soon as I take a sip the drink is looking for anyway to violently and horrifically exit any opening of my body (TMI I know). It was sad to finally say goodbye to my friend. Vodka based beverages were how I got introduced to my dear friend alcohol but alas we had to break up. I am not here to be jolted awake out of a dead sleep only to end up chopping off box braids in the shower at 4am. (I’m sure you can figure it out.)
I have a terrible phobia of spoiled milk. I’m really not quite sure where it stemmed from. The incident was probably so horrific that I blocked it out, just like most of seventh and eighth grade. Its actually gotten worse and worse over the years to the point where I would wake my sister up in the wee hours of the morning so that she could smell the milk for me. (I just couldn’t bring myself to do it). Living in NYC has proven even more challenging because, for whatever reason milk spoils here in like 3 days. I had a half of container of skim milk in my fridge and instead of testing it after the 3 day mark I held my nose and just poured it down the drain. I’m just not here for spoiled milk. I’ve been buying either coconut milk or almond milk since.
Being called or told I look like “Chocolate _____”
Yes this is quite ironical considering the fact that my blog is called “Chocolate Girl In the City”. But seriously gentlemen its gotten out of hand. I can no longer tolerate walking down the street, standing in line anywhere, or doing whatever it is I gotta do and being screamed at that I look like a Chocolate dessert, candy, etc. Can we get more original please? Its actually exhausting and I’ve considered buying horrific brown clothing (I don’t own or wear brown clothing) in an effort to blend into myself so that I don’t have to hear someone ask me if I’m afraid all that chocolate is gonna melt in the sun. (No sir I have on sunscreen thank you). A simple you have pretty skin/ a nice complexion will suffice.Also on a side note, please refrain from calling me “sista” just because I have natural hair. I’m most certainly not here for that.
Ok I can be a bit obsessive about this because my skin is very dark so the ash shows up like I just rolled about in chicken flower. After every shower, I lather on Jergens for extra dry skin and over that on my legs I slap on a layer of thick ghetto greasy petroleum jelly. I realize that its probably clogging the pores on my legs but its been tried and true for 22 years and I can’t give it up. I once tried to go on vacation without Vaseline and I found myself running to the nearest Walgreen’s as soon as I landed. I have been known to moisturize my legs in public and quite frankly I have zero shame. My best guy friend came to stay with me one weekend and by the end of the weekend he refused to touch my doorknobs, he said that they were covered in grease and that he had to wash his hands every time he touched a surface in my apartment. He was also disturbed that I slept with a bottle of baby lotion on my night stand. I’m sorry I cannot do dry hands they wake me up in the middle of the night and I’m not here for that.
These are just some of the things that I’m not here for, what are some of your pet peeves?
xoxoxox Chocolate Girl In the City xoxoxox
I was inspired to do this post because of the dashing and lovely Kid Fury who always makes me laugh.