“If you want to be single, be single. If you want to be in a relationship, understand that you can not conduct yourself as if you are single, or you will be single again” – Demetria Lucas
Ever since that story dropped about a certain athlete and his “side baby” I’ve been waiting to write about this subject. Since then, other reports have arisen about other celebrities and I constantly hear of the same nonsense on relationship blogs. The newest report on a side baby is about a certain rapper and his wife who have a full ass TV show about their family. (Reports have yet to be confirmed.)
Let me first say that if the situations were reversed in ANY of these stories (if a certain actress had gotten pregnant by another man while on a “break” with her bf), or if any of the women involved in these stories had gotten pregnant by a man she wasn’t in a relationship with she would have been dragged by her edges around the world. Men everywhere would have called her every foul name they could think of. (Think about it, people have being calling BEY, a married woman with a child, “Whore Beyoncé” since her new album dropped). Let me also say that “breaks” are bullshit. either you are in relationship or you aren’t in my opinion its very simple, people just make ish complicated. I’m not above believing that this whole “break” garbage was invented as a cover up in order that both parties may save a bit of face.
But here’s the thing sis, none of the men involved in these situations are acting like they’ve done anything wrong. Yes, everyone makes mistakes but chile this is a moral failing. Not only are you completely disrespectful and carrying on long deceits, you are putting others physical and emotional health at risk. It has been my experience that men who strap up ALWAYS strap up and men who don’t always try and find an excuse not to. Clearly there is no latex shortage if you are in fact too weak-willed to be faithful. It is the VERY LEAST you can do if you’re gonna step out.
My question then becomes why be in a relationship? Why get married? Why not be like certain A-List actors who have entire fleets of supermodels lounging about on their yachts? Ain’t nobody MAD at that. If you’re not about that monogamy life then by all means. DON’T BE ABOUT IT!. If you pretend that marriage and monogamy is what you want then, it literally becomes what my bestie proclaimed as ” an elaborate scheme to humiliate your wife/girlfriend/partner”. The other side of this is that they’re are children involved. (Children model what they SEE not necessarily what they are TOLD.)
What kills me is that often times these men want to boast about what good fathers they are and how they take care of their kids and so forth. (Honestly I’m not here for giving praise to people who do what they’re suppose to do. It’s just like when my daddy didn’t see it for celebrating my high school graduation LOL). But back to these kids, so you’re such a good parent but this is the life you choose to show your children. You show your boys that they can treat women like disposable Kleenex and you choose to show your daughters that men can treat them any old raggedy kind of way and their suppose to just accept it.
I don’t care what anyone says, as a person coming from a home of “divorce” a lot of how I behave in relationships is patterned off of both my parent’s relationship and how my relationship was with my father. Some of those bad habits are so deeply ingrained that it took me awhile to recognize them and its a battle every day to break the bad habits.
Still, there are two sides to every coin so I’ll take these moment to address the women who find themselves in these horrific situations. My bestie told me, “Women are selling themselves short and its disgusting”. (How women conduct themselves on reality shows is not helping and its nothing that you should be modeling your behavior after.)
First to the “other woman” who finds herself pregnant and an unwelcome third party in someone else’s relationship. I’ll never understand women who go after someone else man its, weak minded an disgusting. Is this your end game, to be at the end of someone’s list, to be a thorn in someone’s backside? That’s really what you’re on? That’s how you want to raise your children. If its money that you’re seeking can you at least get with someone whose single? (Or better still how about you hustle with something other than your uterus?) I realize that everyone isn’t raised in households where they see positive, loving relationships so that idea of one may be farfetched. However,the entire series of The Cosby Show is on Amazon for $250, that’s a better investment than some raggedy negro who barely has a grasp on the English language. If that’s too expensive I suggest you gather a collection of romance novels to get some inkling of how you should be treated because after all you are a woman phenomenally (NOTE: Olivia Pope & Mary Jane are fictional character, they are for entertainment, this is not real life. Even still, they spend a great deal of time looking silly and ridiculous).
Now for the women who thought they were in loving and committed relationships. It’s your life do what you want but what that being said, something like a “side baby” really shows the true character (or lack thereof) of a man. And as Queen Oprah tells us, “Once someone shows you who they are believe them”. Yes you may love them but they obviously don’t love you. I’ve never humiliated or intentionally disrespected anyone that I loved. I’ve had two men humiliate and disrespect me in my life and that was more than enough. At some point you have to look at yourself and ask why you’re accepting that. You have to love yourself more than you love anyone else. This is why its so important to have standards. (I’ve learned that I may not have a large number of men coming by way but its about quality for me. It may sound harsh but I turned down a second date with a man who didn’t walk me the two blocks to the train after our date very late one evening. Obviously that wasn’t the only red flag I saw that night but it was enough for me not to want to see him again).
I get that people are afraid to be single, to be “alone” trust me I’ve been there. There are times now when I’m over it, but then I think back to my last relationship to the times were I was unhappy or disappointed and I grin to myself with delight because I may be bored but I’m not irritated or upset.
All of this is just to say that in my book “side children” are ALWAYS a deal breaker. The level of disrespect is daunting. Its very foul that these men try and act like what they did was ok and that women should just accept it or that its normal. Well this woman CAN’T & WON’T. I know that some people will suggest that I should just keep on living and I plan to do just that. But know this I will never see it for a man who not only cheats on me which is horrific enough but who has the audacity to produce a child out of the indiscretion.
xoxox Chocolate Girl in the City xoxoxo