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April 7, 2014

Harlem: On Being Home & Belonging

April 7, 2014

Why Dating is An Activity and Not A Status

April 7, 2014
cold world
girls-playing
Dating

 

A perpetual lack of communication seems to be the downfall of many relationships, and mostly it’s because we seem to be getting off on the wrong foot to begin with. There’s hooking up, then there’s dating and then there are relationships. These are not one in the same, but for whatever reason we have deluded ourselves into believing that they are. So let’s save one another some heartache and confusion and define these terms, or stages if you will.

 

Hooking Up

This is basically your friends- with -benefits type of situation. (Disclaimer: I’m 99% certain that this never works. Someone always catches feelings and it nearly always ends poorly).  Hooking up is all about the physical, getting a warm body for the night. This is literally all that it is an all that is should be expected to be. If you are hooking up with someone, you should expect that you are not the only one playing this position at night.  I personally wouldn’t recommend “hooking up” because there are too many diseases, too many fertile people, and quite frankly life is waaaay to short for BAD SEX.  (How many times have you actually been sexually satisfied with a random?) In case you missed the signs, “hooking up” or being in a friends-with-benefits situations means that you are SINGLE.

 

Dating

Now dating is a little different. Dating involves getting to know another person while participating in activities. I’m sorry to burst your bubble but sitting on a couch in someone’s apartment does not a date make. (You could have stayed in the comfort of your own apartment if you were going to sit up and watch Netflix.) But here is where dating gets tricky. Just because you are seeing someone and enjoying your times with him or her does not mean that you are in a relationship with that person. Relationships mean exclusivity. While dating you are free and clear to date however many people you would like. In fact, it is highly recommended.  Get out there and meet a few people. You will learn what you like and what you don’t like. In doing this you will learn what your deal breakers are in relationships and also, what qualities you most desire in a partner. Most importantly, you will learn a lot about yourself.  I’ve heard so many people distraught when thy found out the person they were dating was dating other people. … Ummm, yes they are suppose to be dating other people and quite frankly, so are you.  Assuming that you are in a relationship without any conversation or communication will simply set you up for failure.  After all when you are dating you are SINGLE.

 

Relationships

A Relationship comes AFTER dating, AFTER getting to know someone for a period of time.  How can you decide you want to be exclusive with someone if you don’t even know him or her? If you’ve only been dating for short period of time then you’ve probably only seen them at their best. I would suggest investing a little more time with a person before jumping into a relationship. And please remember you cannot assume you are in an exclusive relationship with someone unless you’ve had a cleat discussion about it. Once you have this discussion, you are no longer single.

 

I’ve written all of this in hopes that it will prevent any impending confusion or hurt feelings. If you insist on “hooking up” go in with NO EXPECTATIONS…literally NONE. You really can’t expect much from strangers. If you plan on dating, do just and be honest about it. And if you want to be in a relationship please know that you cannot conduct yourself in as if you are single.
 
xoxoxo Chocolate Girl In the City xoxoxoxo